Mine for Ever Read online

  “This is the last commission I will undertake before I retire from the Army and I want to perform my duties with an unblemished record! The men of my family have served successive Kings and Queens and I just cannot be the first to throw in the towel before my time is up!”

  Lilliana tried hard not to show how upset she was, but she could not prevent her tears from flowing freely.

  Surely if he loved her, he would give up everything for her?

  ‘I would give up everything to stay with him,’ she thought, as they sat in silence.

  The famous poem by Byron sprang to her mind –

  “Love is to man a thing apart,

  ’tis woman’s whole existence.”

  She smiled as she reminded herself that men were not like women. Love always took a second place when there were matters of great importance at stake.

  It was not as if she was refusing him or saying that she would not wait. So he did not have cause to worry.

  “Come, my darling, the time will fly past! It is now April and there are only eight months to wait until we can be together again. Think of how thrilled your parents will be if we announce our engagement on Christmas Day!”

  Lilliana nodded and dried her eyes. He was right – as always. She was so weak and swayed by her emotions, whereas Robert was wise and level-headed in all things.

  Their peace was suddenly disturbed by the sound of dogs barking.

  “Papa!” whispered Lilliana, getting to her feet. “He has returned from London!”

  Sure enough, across the garden strode a tall figure with dark hair just touched with grey at the sides.

  William Parker was a handsome man and he carried himself with a noble air.

  Two young Dalmatians, Spot and Bang, followed him at heel, leaping up and barking delightedly.

  “Lilliana, are you out here?” called her father, as he played with the two dogs.

  “I must go to him – wait here,” she said to the Earl.

  “Do not forget, Lilliana – you must not tell him of our engagement!”

  Sighing, she ran to her father and kissed him.

  “Papa, you are home early!”

  “Yes, but I am afraid that I cannot linger out here. I have brought some colleagues with me, but I wished to see you first.”

  “Papa, Robert is here.”

  “Then I must be ungracious and not greet him. My colleagues and I have so much to discuss and we cannot be disturbed. Perhaps you will send him my regards?”

  “Yes, Papa,” she answered, disappointed she could not spend longer with him.

  She stroked the two dogs lovingly and watched as her father made his way back to the house.

  Turning back to the arbour, she felt suddenly heavy of heart.

  She had never kept any secrets from her parents before and it felt as if she was telling lies by omission.

  The Earl welcomed her back eagerly.

  “You did not mention – ?”

  “No, I did not.”

  “I promise you – I will not be in India for ever. It will all be over by Christmas and then we can be married. But there is one last favour I would ask of you.”

  Lilliana gazed into his eyes and her heart lurched.

  “What is that?”

  “That you will come to Southampton to see me off tomorrow. My Regiment are in barracks there, awaiting my arrival. If you will only tell me now that you will be on the quayside, then I will be a very happy man.”

  Lilliana nestled closer to him.

  “Nothing would keep me away – nothing!”

  The Earl pulled her to him and kissed her lips.

  Lilliana put all her heart and soul into the kiss – she felt as if she had already lost him, even though he had just asked her to marry him.

  ‘I don’t know if I can stand to be apart from him for so long,’ she mused, as they walked to the house in silence. ‘Eight months seems such a very long time!’

  She knew what her Mama would say if she told her how she was feeling – she would remind her that she had the rest of her life to enjoy with him and that eight months was no time at all.

  She would quietly remind Lilliana that she had also been forced to wait ages to marry her husband. Her father had been a young man when her parents first met, just elected to Parliament, and often in London as his seat was in Fulham.

  Eleanor Parker would understand only too well the torment of being parted from one’s love.

  “I must leave now, Lilliana. Promise me you will be ready when my carriage comes for you in the morning?”

  “I will, Robert,” she murmured.

  “Good. You may bring Antoinette, your maid, if your mother wishes it. The carriage will arrive at half-past seven in the morning, so do not sleep too late, my darling!”

  With that he kissed her forehead and left.

  Lilliana watched as he galloped off down the drive.

  Turning back to go indoors, she heard the sound of raised voices.

  Tiptoeing along the corridor, she made her way to the study, where her father was entertaining his colleagues.

  ‘There appears to be a dispute!’ she said to herself, as she edged nearer.

  Lilliana felt guilty at sneaking around in her home, but her father told her so little of his business affairs and she had learned long ago that if she wished to know what was going on she must listen at doorways.

  The voices grew louder and culminated in one man shouting at the top of his voice.

  “No, there is now too much at stake! We shall all be thrown into prison if we don’t succeed!”

  ‘Goodness!’ she thought nervously, ‘whatever can they be discussing that merits such a response?’

  She then heard her father’s voice exhorting the man to be calm and to keep his voice down in case the servants overheard.

  Lilliana crept away from the study door, shaking.

  ‘Is Papa in some kind of trouble?’ she asked herself, as she ran upstairs to her room.

  She lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling for some time until she could at last bear it no longer.

  ‘I will go and find Mama to see what she says,’ she resolved, as she tidied her hair and straightened her dress.

  As she came down the stairs, she could see that the study door was still closed, but the shouting had ceased.

  ‘Mama will be in her sitting room.’

  She saw that the door was open and so she looked in to find her mother sitting there peacefully sewing.

  “Mama!” began Lilliana.

  “My dear, do come in!” invited her mother, putting down her work. “I have almost finished this embroidery – what do you think of it?”

  She held up a cloth covered with religious symbols and Lilliana assumed at once it must be for the Church.

  “It is so lovely, Mama. The Vicar will be thrilled with it!”

  “He was only saying recently how the altar cloth in the Chapel was worn, so I took it upon myself to fashion a new one for him.”

  Lilliana smiled at her mother fondly.

  Such trifles mattered so much to her and she did not trouble her head with events in India or the many Bills her husband was attempting to push through Parliament.

  There was no doubt that Lilliana had inherited her father’s brains and her mother’s beauty.

  “Mama – Papa has brought some colleagues home – do you know what they might be discussing?”

  Her mother shook her head and laughed.

  “Now, Lilliana, you know I never ask him about his work! If he wishes to tell me, I listen and promptly forget all he has told me! Why do you ask?”

  “I heard raised voices earlier, when I was saying goodbye to Robert.”

  “The Earl paid us a visit and you did not tell me, Lilliana!”

  “Oh, Mama, terrible news! He is being sent out to India to deal with an uprising. He says that he will be gone for months!”

  Her mother took her daughter’s hand in hers.

  “My dear, there is
no need to worry at all. He is a magnificent soldier and will surely come to no harm. He will have those natives in order in no time.”

  It was on the tip of Lilliana’s tongue to tell her that he had proposed, but she knew that she must not break her promise.

  “When does he leave?”

  “Tomorrow, Mama. He has asked me to go and see him off from Southampton.”

  “And, of course, you must go. Will you ensure that Antoinette accompanies you? I would not be happy with you risking your reputation by travelling alone with him.”

  “Yes, Mama. I had every intention of asking her to chaperone me.”

  “Oh, Lilliana, this is such a pity! I had great hopes that he was about to propose!”

  “So had I, Mama,” sighed Lilliana, hiding her face so that her mother could not see her tears.

  She rose and left her mother with her embroidery.

  She felt so very alone at that moment.

  The weight of her secret hung heavily on her. She wished she was able to confide in someone, but she dare not. She had made a promise and she would honour it.

  *

  Dinner that evening was a sombre affair.

  Her father was in a bad mood and barely spoke to either Lilliana or her mother.

  His colleagues had left just before dinner with not a word between them.

  Not even her father’s favourite lobster could lift his mood. He ate in silence and without relish.

  “Really now, William. Jean-Philippe will be upset that he has gone to such trouble to cook for you and you have the air of a man who has gruel rather than lobster on his plate!”

  “I am not hungry, Eleanor,” he muttered stiffly and pushed his plate away from him.

  “There are fruit tarts for pudding – ”

  “No, thank you. I have some outstanding matters to deal with, but do not let that prevent you and Lilliana from enjoying the remainder of dinner.”

  He arose and left the dining room without another word.

  “Oh dear, your father is in such an ill humour this evening! Whatever he was discussing with those men has upset him a great deal.”

  “Was it important Government business, Mama?” asked Lilliana, upset that her father had not stayed longer.

  “I told you, I do not care to ask – there are so many comings and goings these days. I simply appear if required and go about my business if not. That is the role of a good wife.”

  Lilliana again wished with all her heart that she could tell her mother about her engagement.

  ‘How pleased Mama would be!’ she thought sadly. ‘She longs to begin planning my wedding.’

  After dinner they both retired to the drawing room. It had suddenly become quite chilly and so Holmes had instructed one of the maids to light the fire.

  As they warmed themselves, Lilliana thought of the Earl’s impending departure.

  ‘I don’t know if I can bear to be without him!’ she thought, as a lump came to her throat. ‘I will miss him so very much.’

  Suddenly, overcome with the prospect of not seeing him for such a long time, she arose and kissed her startled mother good night.

  Running upstairs, she could not prevent the tears from flowing.

  Antoinette had lit the fire in her room and quickly left as she saw that her Mistress was upset.

  Lilliana threw herself onto her bed and sobbed her heart out.

  In addition to saying farewell to the man she loved, and worrying that he may find himself in great peril miles away from home, she was sure her father was embroiled in something untoward.

  ‘I can bear it that Robert is to serve his Queen and country – as that is something noble and right. But to think that perhaps Papa is in trouble – that, I cannot stand! Mama and I depend upon him so completely.’

  That thought alone made her tears fall even more and she silently cried herself to sleep.

  *

  The next morning, Antoinette woke her up so early that it was only just light outside the window.

  Lilliana drank a cup of tea while her maid drew a bath.

  ‘So today I must say goodbye to my love.’

  Looking in the mirror she could see that her eyes were red and puffy.

  ‘How am I going to look beautiful for Robert if I have been crying all night? I don’t want to distress him any more than I can help!’

  Antoinette came in and soothed her.

  “Miss Lilliana, once you have had your bath, then I will work my magic on you, no?”

  “Could you, Antoinette? I cannot possibly face the Earl with my face in this condition!”

  An hour later she was dressed and ready to leave. As promised, Antoinette had indeed worked a miracle on her tear-stained face.

  She glanced at her image and liked what she saw.

  Her eyes were now sparkling, her hair fashionably arranged and her skin was radiant.

  “Antoinette, thank you,” she exclaimed, “You have made me look beautiful!”

  “Bien sur, Miss Lilliana,” she answered, placing a broad hat with a pink ribbon upon her head. “And this will charm his Lordship, I am certain.”

  Lilliana smiled at the violet hat that contrasted so well with the black of her hair. As always Antoinette was right – the effect was indeed charming.

  “Is Mama awake yet?” she asked, nervously rising.

  “No, miss, she is asleep. Although I believe your father has already left the house.”

  Lilliana glanced at the clock – it was barely seven fifteen. So early that normally only the servants would be stirring.

  “His Lordship’s carriage will be arriving presently, Antoinette, let us go downstairs and wait for him.”

  But no sooner had they gone down to the hall, than Holmes was opening the door to the Earl’s coachman.

  “Goodness, he is early!” cried Lilliana, flying out towards the carriage where the Earl sat, resplendent in his new uniform.

  Her heart melted as she climbed into the carriage.

  ‘He looks so handsome!’ she thought, as he leaned forward to kiss her.

  “Lilliana! Darling!” he whispered, taking her hand in his.

  “Are you nervous, Robert?”

  “Not in the least. I am only sick at heart at having to leave you behind. If we were married, then you could have come with me!”

  “Hush! Here is Antoinette!” she cautioned, as the maid climbed into the carriage and sat opposite them.

  Lilliana scarcely took any notice of the countryside as it sped past outside.

  She was far too conscious of every precious second ticking by bringing them one step closer to Southampton and their parting.

  They hardly spoke to each other – they simply held hands and revelled in each other’s presence.

  All too soon they arrived at Southampton.

  The docks were teeming – soldiers, sailors and all manner of porters.

  “I have not been on board ship for ages,” murmured Lilliana, looking up at the huge steamer docked near to where the carriage had come to a halt.

  “It is not at all like a pleasure cruise,” said the Earl, laughing. “There are no fancy steamer chairs and luxurious restaurants on this ship!”

  “Even so I would not mind the lack of facilities if it meant that I could be with you,” replied Lilliana, and the realisation that she was to see the last of him for a very long time caused her to cry.

  “Please, darling, dry your tears. I don’t wish to carry the vision of you weeping across the seas!” implored the Earl, clearly distressed.

  “I am sorry, Robert. It is just that I cannot envisage life without seeing you!”

  “It will not be for long – I have promised you that I will return as soon as my work is done, have I not?

  “Yes, but eight months! And what if – ”

  The Earl put his fingers to her lips to hush her.

  “Shh,” he implored softly, “don’t think like that. I will write to you as often as I can, I promise. And the moment I arrive in I
ndia, I will have a likeness taken of me so that you have something to remind you of me.”

  “Will you?” breathed Lilliana smiling bravely, tears still glistening in her beautiful eyes.

  “Of course, I will! Now, darling, I must go. Look, here comes my Commanding Officer – now, kiss me once more, Lilliana, dearest.”

  In spite of the people milling around, Lilliana sank her heart and soul into that last kiss, but all too soon the Earl pulled away and stroked her face with his hand.

  “Farewell, my darling. It will not be for ever, but remember, our love is!”

  He turned and walked towards the man he had indicated. Reaching him, he turned back and waved one last time.

  She watched intently as the two men proceeded to the walkway that led to the ship.

  ‘Will he see me?’ she wondered, as she stood amongst the countless wives and sweethearts who had turned out to wave off their men.

  But she knew in her heart that the Earl would not be standing on the deck waving to her with his men – he was far too aristocratic and proud for that!

  Antoinette tugged on her sleeve.

  “Come, miss. We should return to our carriage.”

  It was more than Lilliana’s poor heart could bear.

  She threw herself at Antoinette, sobbing.

  “There, there, miss, it will be fine, cherie, I promise you! Now, come – let’s return home. You have not eaten any breakfast and you will become weak from hunger.”

  But Lilliana did not want food. All she wanted was Robert!

  Seated in the carriage, she felt numb as they drove off. Even though she gazed out of the window, she did not see anything as she was crying so much.

  ‘Eight whole long months!’ she repeated over and over in her mind. ‘Truly, that is an eternity to be without my love!’

  But she recognised that she was powerless to do anything except wait.

  And that thought alone broke her heart –

  CHAPTER TWO

  The first month dragged by but after that Lilliana began to find things to do to take her mind off her loss.

  She went walking or shopping with her dear friend, Elizabeth, who lived nearby or she called on her mother’s friends and played cards.

  There were visits up to London to see her relatives, although she saw her father less and less.